Tuesday, July 16, 2013

My Difficulties Fitting In!

To view my You Tube video of "Living In A Foreign Land" please click on this link:


Why It's So Hard To Fit Into A "NORMAL" Society

This year (2013) I wrote a song called "Living In A Foreign Land" and I have included the link to my You Tube video at the top of this blog.   I want to discuss why I feel like I am living in a foreign land  so you'll have an idea of what that song is about.  I think of my life with autism as a "journey" that I have to make and it's not easy. 

I was diagnosed with severe infantile autism at a very young age.  Even though I am high functioning I still feel out of place.  While attending elementary school I can remember how the noises, "strange" furniture (desks with a seat attached to a table), "strange" people, over stimulation, etc. would put me into a complete meltdown!! In high school I felt out of place and didn't have many friends if any at all. These may seem ordinary to somebody who doesn't live with autism but for me it's overwhelming.  Well this may be years ago but believe it or not it has carried into my adult life with different situations of course.  Some sights and sounds seem very loud or bothersome to me!!  Example:  I'm OK with fluorescent lighting but can't stand it if it makes a humming sound.  Certain textures will bother me.  JELL-O is an example.

Most people my age have jobs, kids, vehicles, possibly own a home, etc.  In all honesty there are a few things that "normal" people have that may interest me and others not so much.  Instead of children I have a Siamese cat named Misty and she really helps me cope!  I used to have two other cats but sadly they have both passed away.  I feel I can relate better to cats more than children.  Don't get me wrong....I care a lot about children but I just don't relate well with them.  My cat loves me unconditionally no matter what...even if I'm not "normal."  She is always there for me!!  NEVER will I be "cat-less!."

In all honesty I don't think I could handle a "conventional" career due to over stimulation.  It took me a LONG time to accept that.  However I do volunteer singing and playing the piano at my local nursing home.  Oh how I love to see the elderly enjoy my music!!  I'm also learning how to play acoustic guitar so one day I hope to play guitar at the nursing home too!

Some people think of autism as a puzzle.  Have to be honest.  I don't like that because puzzles to me represent confusion and missing pieces.  Instead I think of autism as a rainbow with many colors.  Each color represents an ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder.)  I often feel alone in my color as I have not met anyone who I feel I can relate to.  Not trying to put anybody down but finding somebody with high functioning autism like myself is difficult.  In my honesty I don't think Asperger Syndrome is the same as high functioning autism even though it is on that "rainbow."   It is a different "color" from mine on that "rainbow."

It is very important for me to receive encouragement and reassurance!!  This helps me with my journey.  If I do not receive encouragement and reassurance I feel like giving up on whatever I'm trying to accomplish!!

There was a man I met in 2005 who too had autism.  He was named Benn Kramer from Hornby Island, BC.  Believe it or not he would climb up a 90 foot Douglas Fir tree with NO safety harness to feed the eagles by hand!!  I did not like him climbing up with no equipment.  Ultimately that cost him his life at another location.  He cared for the eagles just as I care for my cat.  Honestly if he didn't have autism I really think he would have been a bird vet, a zoologist, or search and rescue.  Every time I see an eagle I think of him!!  I might do another blog talking more about him sometime.  I even want to write a song about him and I sometime. The "eagle up in the sky soaring high and feeling free" mentioned in my song represents Benn.  In addition it represents myself because when I was a little girl I so wished I had wings!  Often I get flashbacks of myself daydreaming of wings as a little child.  Wings just fascinated me and they still do!!

I hope this gives you a general explanation of what "Living In A Foreign Land" is about.  I have written some more songs and plan to write more. "Living In A Foreign Land" is an introduction to other songs I have written or will write in the future. All songs written by me are based on experiences that have taken place in my lifetime.


Misty and I.  Taken in 2013.


Benn Kramer and I.  Taken in 2005.

NOTE!!  I'm sorry but Blogger won't let me upload my video!   :(     Please click on the link at the very top of this blog to view my You Tube video of "Living In A Foreign Land."  Thank you!!  Again I apologize that I'm unable to upload it directly here.   :(